I hid last week.
My friend in ministry let me hide…
I don’t know why she let me hide…
I’m glad she did.
I learned something… experienced something… with, in, and of God that I wouldn’t have otherwise.
Being the self-centered individual that I am, I struggle with the suffering. I’m quick to see my suffering and whine about it… accept it but NOT with joy.
This time, I hid… I deceived myself into thinking it was someone else’s call this time… joyfully I hid. Released from the struggle of self-killing obedience. Actually content… for a moment…
Then the silence.
The question: What would God say to you in this moment?
The Voice: You have neglected your call. You are forgiven.
Nothing more. No condemnation. No accusations.
A simple statement of fact and forgiveness.
Peace. Eye-opening peace.
Much of my suffering comes from a distorted image of God… I tend to see Him as judge. He calls me, I struggle with obedience (will I do it right, what will others think, I’m inadequate), and then my subconscious sees Him sitting and judging …
My encounter with the real God — the One who spoke — proved all this wrong, especially when coupled with a teaching I received the same week:
Obedience does not lead to judgment… it leads to fellowship!
A working together — a deepening of relationship.
I didn’t hide from a call, I hid from God… like Adam and Eve in the Garden… God calling: Where are you?
God wasn’t the one judging… I was… reflecting my own broken perfectionist psyche onto Him.
Today’s lesson: obedience is communion with God.
Eating the Bread, drinking the Wine… Yes, there is suffering for the flesh, the broken body must die to self… but the wine — the blood — the grace poured over, in, and through the brokenness, the feeble efforts to let Christ flow through… fellowship!
I hope this is a turning point for me. A marker raised and set in my spirit… an Ebenezer: the stone of help.
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